Shame Is Not Care. It’s Control.
Emma Lyons What we call “care” is often just our discomfort looking for control.
Shame is often framed as corrective, protective, or even loving.
It isn’t.
Shame is about control.
When we shame a child for being loud, a partner for being “too much,” or ourselves for wanting pleasure, it’s not care. It’s our nervous system trying to regulate its own discomfort by shutting something down.
And the cost is high.
Shame fuels perfectionism, procrastination, over-explaining, avoidance, and the inability to let pleasure in. It creates an internal monitor that keeps us small, masked, and disconnected from who we actually are.
Shame is the opposite of authenticity.
