The Night I Got Scammed – and Didn’t Tear Myself Apart
Emma Lyons Why shame isn’t the answer, even when life throws you curveballs and nothing works out.
Yesterday, for New Year’s, I made a last-minute decision to go to a big party a few hours away. I posted online looking for a ride and heard from someone offering all-inclusive transport and a ticket. I sent a deposit – and after waiting, it became clear: there was no bus coming.
At first, I didn’t want to believe it. I really wanted to go. I’d been looking forward to the night. And when that sinking “oh shit” moment finally hit, I felt the disappointment in my body – a wash of frustration and loss.
But what surprised me most was what didn’t happen.
I didn’t spiral. I didn’t tear myself apart. I didn’t attack myself for being naïve or careless or stupid. I didn’t replay it over and over, looking for what I’d done wrong.
In the past, that’s exactly what I would’ve done.
Instead, I felt it – the disappointment, the sadness, the frustration. Then I went home, made myself food, called a friend, and let myself settle. I soothed my nervous system instead of punishing myself.
Yes, I’d ignored a few red flags because I really wanted to go. That’s human. I can see that clearly without turning it into a character indictment. I didn’t abandon myself. I didn’t collapse. I didn’t let shame take the wheel.
And that’s the part that matters.
Because the old pattern for me was shame. Deep, corrosive shame. The kind that says:
See? This is why you can’t trust yourself.
This is why you’re stupid, foolish, useless.
This is why everything goes wrong for you.
I used to believe that shaming myself was the only way to grow. That if I punished myself enough, I’d somehow figure it out and become better.
It never worked. It just made me smaller – more isolated, more anxious, more depressed, more hopeless and vulnerable.
Shame doesn’t protect us. It doesn’t teach us lessons. It doesn’t give us wisdom or clarity. It makes us easier to manipulate. When you’re busy attacking yourself, you lose your footing, you lose self-trust, and that’s exactly when you’re most vulnerable to falling for lies, deceptions, and making bad decisions.
This time, I didn’t do that. I let the disappointment be disappointment. I didn’t turn it into a verdict about who I am.
Life will still throw curveballs. People will disappoint us. Things won’t always work out. But we don’t have to collapse into self-punishment when something goes wrong.
First, stop deceiving yourself that shame helps. It doesn’t, ever.
Shame isn’t growth. It’s not wisdom. It’s not accountability.
It’s just noise.
I don’t need shame anymore. And neither do you.
I dare you: without shame, find out who you really are
Want more writing like this – where we go deep on the toxic effects of shame and how to break free? Subscribe to get it straight to your inbox.
Support this work as a paid subscriber and access deeper, root-level strategies to dismantle shame once and for all.
If this hit home, you already know why.
And if you’re ready to break your relationship with shame, I’m here.
Comments (7)
Laurence Temojin
Sounds like a wonderful moment of realization and growth. Congratulations!!
Tides of Truth
Great little essay. I have often had the same issue. I believe, or rather know, that shame was a major part of the family systems I came from, probably on both sides of the family. I’m suspecting that it is a wider, Western culture (and other cultures?) phenomenon. Shame shame shame. Just recently, this past year, I finally left a position of employment (I refuse to use the awful word “job”) that had become toxic. A place run by rampant narcissists. Awful environment. I left for a position with a venture capital startup. A friend of mine being a major player. It was fun. Very hard work, overtime, burning the midnight oil. Paid way better. Risky. I took a risk. Well, the company ain’t doin’ so hot. “Letting go” of 20% of the staff. Including me, at the end of February. Well, I’m still glad I took the risk. It was liberating. I learned a lot. I have new paths to explore. But the shame of the idea that I wasn’t wanted, or wasn’t good enough, is still there. And it has been interesting, the past few days, to observe who actually communicates some form of “It was good to work with you.” Well, so far, other then the higher ups who informed me, two people have reached out. Once woman, Nicole, said, that “I’m wonderful.” I appreciated that. I thanked her. I’m trying to avoid a shame spiral. Though I’ve grown a lot in the last few years, I can still feel the “pull” of shame. But I won’t let it dominate me. I won’t ignore it. I won’t pretend it is not there. Now I need to foster my own creativity, connectedness, and sense of integrity. Well, nobody said the journey would be easy. Thank you for your message. I’ll explore more of your writing and works. Found you through Sol.
Trauma Matrix | Emma Lyons
Hi Tides of Truth. Thank you for sharing this. There’s so much clarity and honesty in what you wrote.
What you describe is exactly the bind I’m pointing to. You can make a brave, aligned, intelligent choice and still feel the aftershock of “I wasn’t wanted” or “I wasn’t enough.” That doesn’t mean the choice was wrong. It means the shame system is still running its old code in the background.
And you’re right, this isn’t just personal or familial. It’s cultural. Hierarchical systems need people to internalise failure as identity, not as circumstance. So even when something is structural, economic, or just plain reality, the nervous system translates it into a story about the self. I write about this is some of my other essays.
What stood out to me most about what you’re sharing is that you can feel the pull and still not obey it. That’s already a huge shift. You’re not suppressing it or indulging it, just observing it. That’s where real agency lives.
Fostering creativity, connection, and integrity feels like exactly the right orientation here. Not as a self-improvement project, but as a refusal to let a system define your worth.
And thank you for finding me through Sol. That’s a good lineage.
Tides of Truth
Emma – your reply is the kind of energy I needed today. I’m starting the process of separation from the venture capital-funded ruthless soon-to-be-ex employer, and the beginning of the process of discovery. Part of the process is the elucidation of the “old code running in the background.” I want to really free myself from many layers of old programming, not just for myself, but for my son, and for humanity in general. I will read and view more of your work. It’s a blessing to have found you, Sol, and a real group of people who are brave adventurers, daring to leave the old programming behind. What an adventure, eh? As I said to Sol, it ain’t easy. Well, at least for me, it’s been an almost brutal struggle to slowly (usually) or at times in sudden shifts, identify old programming and seek and discover better ways. Blessings.
Trauma Matrix | Emma Lyons
Love this. Especially the part about doing it not just for yourself, but for your son. That’s exactly where the old code starts to unravel for a lot of people.
Leaving ruthless systems can feel brutal, even when it’s the right thing. There’s often grief, disorientation, and a strange emptiness where the old identity used to be. I know that territory well.
What you’re describing, slowly seeing the background programs and choosing differently, is basically the work. It’s not glamorous, and it’s not linear, but it’s deeply real. And it changes everything downstream.
I’m glad you found your way here. You’re not alone in this, even when it feels that way.
Trauma Matrix | Emma Lyons
Also… have you encountered my BREAK system for addressing shame spirals when they start to take you over? This post breaks it down both in video and text. I’ve had great feedback from people who have used it to stop shame attacks and start breaking their addiction to shame. https://traumamatrix.substack.com/p/break-the-trauma-cycle?r=192nco . One thing that is fundamental to all this is to recognise fully that shame doesn’t serve you in any way. It impedes transformation and only serves to cement control and submission. It never leads to any meaningful behaviour changes or positive outcomes, rather the opposite.
Trauma Matrix | Emma Lyons
A note on replies: I don’t use comments or direct messages for personal processing. This space is for grounded reflection. If you’d like to work with me, please apply via the link in my bio.